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Whisp'ring angels prompt her...dreams.

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Jan. 26th, 2005 @ 09:45 am
There is someone in my life who has really surprised me. First just by the mere fact that we get along (since we didn't used to) and the smile that stuck on my face for hours after he lingered by my car that day at Metrotown...then by his note that he liked me...then realizing how strangely similar we are, yet different...and now by our crazy chats and emails. Despite the fact that he still has the ability to completely tick me off, I am feeling myself drawn into his world, and I like it. Huh.

The Benefits of Blindness Jan. 19th, 2005 @ 09:13 am
The clouds have parted, the sun shines bright and warmly. All ends have been dead so far, but I have this odd sense of peace. I feel content, and yet restless in the unknowing. I write steadily, I pray, I enjoy fellowship with my two best friends...and I wait. I wait in this necessary dark wondering when and if I will know what's to come before it arrives. I'm beginning, though, to wonder why I fret over seeing, when this odd sense of unseeing seems to have triggered peace, hope, perseverence, and desire. If I knew, would I not be impatient? Would I not miss the journey's wake out of longing for its end? I would. I would miss. Therefore I embrace this blindness openly, as I wrap myself up in this cloak of waiting. I feel all other senses awaken as I breathe in the necessity of unknowing, and open my eyes to the blinding light.
Current Mood: calmcalm

Jan. 17th, 2005 @ 11:03 pm
I wish I had superpowers...

yep, new layout Jan. 14th, 2005 @ 10:50 am
I decided to change the layout because Alexander Pope's poem, Eloisa to Abelard, is rather fitting to my life...and I love the Eternal Sunshine film. So there. Plus, you know, why not just shake things up a bit! I like change...

My Heart Jan. 14th, 2005 @ 09:48 am
It is a strange place to be. I feel the current of time, destiny, belief, love washing over me quickly, then slowly, then quickly...a river and a tide. So often I can't decipher what I feel. I know only that I do feel and I feel immensely. I am home. Here in this city of blinding lights, dirt, sin, etc...in a place where there's nothing to call my own. My heart tells me I am home.

My heart told me I was in love, that he was the one...despite argument and circumstance I wanted him. I wanted it all...his kids, our house, Rome. And I had it, I had him...but the tide reached out and grasped him, tugging him back into the grand sea. Now he is not mine. Now I have only myself. My heart was sad, it told me all kinds of lies about the inconsistency of God, and self, and men, and dreams. I feared. I hated. I cried. But then...my heart told me it was okay. My heart said 'love is love'...he was one, but not the. He was the first. So let go now.

My heart saw and I believe.

Therefore...in all things I must trust my heart, to lead and guide where the river flows, and to know that at any point something may be snatched from me...but that's okay. My heart knows because it is linked to God's heart. It cannot betray me if I listen to it's pangs.

My desire, my greatest desire is not love of man, but love of (and for) God. The one thing that brings me to gut-wrenching tears even more than those I wept for loss of love...is my dream. The grand story that haunts me more than anything else. The story that lives in my heart.

Therefore, I know...I will not fail. I cannot. Whether I stay here in my 'home' where I am homeless, or take another journey elsewhere. Someday it will be. It has to because it is written on the one place that can never wash away: my heart. So long as it beats, I will dream and I will fight for the realization of my dream. I have to because you can never escape your heart and live to tell the tale.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Other entries
» Wake up Buttercup!
Here I am. Standing on the brink of possibility, dreams...and I can't move. I am stuck. Shaking, wavering, afraid. My biggest fear is failure and fear is the biggest contributor to failure that I know. You will inevitably fail if you do not step out the door and try to succeed. Here I am. I want to succeed. I am in this town of people, many not so nice as me trying also to succeed at their dream and I feel very small and silly and Canadian. BUT...I do know that I am supposed to be here right now. I just need to convince myself to stop the mantra of disbelief and replace it always, constantly with "I will" not "if"...I can move...I must. Why else did I fly the miles down here but to move and move confidently. I know I have talent...but what I need now is persistence or luck...Lord the luck part is where you come in. Although then I guess it's not luck. Then it's divine providence. Oh help. He does. All the time...if I really knew how often I'd probably feel like a puppet but a very loved one. I'm rambling. Yes. I am here. Still here, breathing and awake and battling my demons and soon battling quite simply and insanely, Hollywood. Unbar the door!!!!!!!!!!
» (No Subject)
Hmm. It's interesting. Meeting someone once, waiting two years, meeting them again and realizing this person you once really disliked, is now...intriguing, even nice, someone who's brain you'd like to explore a bit...even if they do talk on for hours without taking a breather for you to comment, really. Hmm.

What's also interesting is waking up one day and realizing you've spent all this time convincing yourself that you're not desirable to anyone and then realizing, hey you ARE likeable and desirable. Imagine that!

I'm kinda beamy right now...
» Lyrical
I'd forgotten about this song. Found it kinda fitting.

Lyrics to "If I Believed" by Jeni Varnadeau

There's a place in the night where it's just you and me
There's no where to go but here with my dreams
The shadows close in, the doubts start to flow
There's nowhere to look but deep in my soul
You are whispering secrets I'm longing to hear
I want to receive it but I cannot get near
Can I really let go or am I holding on to fear?

If I believed with a holy passion
I'd throw hesitation to the wind
If I would love you with abandon
My trust in you would never end
If I believed, If I believed, If I believed

Lord, hear my prayer, show me what to do
I want to be closer and closer to you
I try to move forward but I'm stuck in my tracks
I long for the day when I'm not holding back
What should I keep? What should I lose?
Give me the wisdom to know what to choose
Whatever You want, Lord, that's what I want to do

I believe, help me with my unbelief
I believe, help me with my unbelief
Help me believe
But if I really believed every word You've spoken
Surrendered my little hopes and dreams
If I believed I can't imagine
Just what my life would really mean
If I really believed with reckless passion
I would live so differently
I would have no hesitation
In giving you every part of me
If I believed, If I believed, If I believed...

» Happy first hour of 2005
Lord...I believe. Help me with my unbelief, in myself. I know it's partly doubt in you when I don't believe the promises you have placed on me. But oh, I am so weak and afraid. A little child with dreams of being a woman, warrior, leader, light. Lord I need your help. I need your power to give me the strength and courage to break through this glass cage. I need you to come in here and re-shape my crooked heart. I want so much and I am my worst enemy. Lord, help. Please. I pray this next year you will use me as never before, that the power I felt pulse through me the other week would be something I could feel every day, even when things go wrong. Even when I am blind, deaf, dumb to the world, the future, you and myself. Let me feel you. Let me trust you, trust me. God I can't do this. I am tired of this. Let me break through, really truly. I don't want to just be a dreamer. I want to believe. I want to make a difference and see my dreams come through and be happy with the uncinematic, crazy way that they do. Please...help me be better. I give this year to you.
» Interesting Survey thing
Survey taken from l8nitewriter

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?
Stage Managed a travelling dinner theatre tour.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not in 2004, no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What countries did you visit?
l8nitewriter said "I went to Ireland....in a dream. =P" and I'm stealing her response, 'cause yeah! I want to go!!!

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A paying job, car, place of my own...

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
No specific dates. I'm bad with dates, but memories? First love...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
My goodness, I think taking leaps of faith, facing fears. TRUSTING myself.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm...not sure if I know that yet.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really, thank goodness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My little 12" iBookG4

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My Mom...and some of my friends.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Certain people at Church who just don't get it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and music

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Falling in love. Being in love with someone at the same time for that brief moment. Realizing that often I know more than I think I do.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Lots. In particular "Let Go" by Frou Frou, and "Fly Me to the Moon" by Frank Sinatra, and probably also "Butterflies & Hurricanes" by Muse...OOOH and the entire U2 "How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb" cd...and Stacie Orrico - "Instead". Now do you see how my money went to music?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
I'm happier I think, more confident.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Procrastinating and doubting.

20. How will you be spending /did you spend Christmas?
With my WHOLE family, including my adorable little nephew who's 1.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
Watching movies...and eating popcorn, drinking Bailey's, reminiscing and probably praying about next year too/pondering resolutions.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
YES!!! Did I not mention this twice already? Oh heck yeah. I fell hard. Still climbing back up again.

23. How many one-night stands?
Um. None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Buffy! and Joan of Arcadia.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is harsh word.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

28. What did you want and got?
A ticket back to LA...and my new laptop.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Finding Neverland. They're tied.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24. Had a big par-tay at my house.

32. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Selling a script. Falling in love with someone I could have forever...not just for a little bit.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004
Jacob Connexion mixed in with a little Bluenotes and Gap/Old Navy. Kinda casual chic? I have no idea...

34. What kept you sane?
God, Ankura, my friends, and good stories.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Elijah Wood

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Same-sex marriage

37. Who did you miss?
Sarah and Nirvana...but I'm going to see them soon!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
The man I fell in love with.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Listen to God...I mean really listen, not to what you think He's saying but to the still quiet voice that speaks when there's nothing else there.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Excerpt from One Step Closer - U2

"I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing"
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